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Save us from ourselves!

In the middle of a Nor’easter recently, Jef got off work to find that he’d left his car lights on. Hmm. And because his car key was several years old–senility, in keyland–it refused to open the door. Or the other door. Or the trunk. All windows were rolled up tight; it was the second day of rain, and Nor’easters last three days.

You’re saying, this Yesrie person writes about MORONS all day long, but neener neener, she’s MARRIED to one!

Fair enough. We both cop to moronitude (like, totally) but there were extenuating circumstances. Well, one e-circumstance. Okay, a lame excuse.

Jef couldn’t see the onset of Creeping Key Senility because he, like every motor vehicle operator on earth except Yesrie, has one of those beepy deals to open the car. And they operate on what, class? The car battery. Yeah.

Obviously the key has been working fine in the ignition, but Jef realized to his horror that key + ingnition had worn each other down proportionately, comfy in their codependency. The door tumblers, on the other hand, are still brand spankin’ new. Good news: Jef had plenty of co-workers and jumper cables and nearby cars willing to be host to a parasitic dead battery. Bad news: the lever to pop Jef’s hood is… inside the car.

Ironically enough, about a month ago Jef entertained me with a rant on the evil genius of BMW–he says they purposely engineer their keys to self-destruct after a couple of years. Bah humbug. We don’t have Bimmers (as IF), but his Nissan seems to be following suit. I had one Subaru for 9 years, and my current Sube is 11 now–no problem. So far. Love me the Subarus.

Jef added that BMW takes the additional Machiavellian step of making their key caps of plastic instead of metal, ensuring the key’s eventual escape from your keyring. With keyless entry, the tumblers in the ignition get worn down before those in the doors. Apparently there is NO POSSIBLE FIX for this (modern technology can “send some clown to the moon” [Tom Lehrer], but there’s no substance on earth durable enough for multiple-year keys and tumblers?). The logical answer is to ADD MORE BOOBY TRAPS! Yes!

…And separate us from our money. Not a lot of money, mind you, but there was the $12.50 to a well-recommended but non-automotive locksmith for a master-ish key made from Jef’s existing one (and which proved every bit as effective in the door locks). Then there was the $20 for a really-o truly-o master at the Nissan dealership. That one works, and I’m almost sorry I made fun of their cheeto elevator-butt blind car.

In closing, don’t be a moron like I was (at least Jef knew that keys wear down). Have a dealership key made, go outside and make sure it works on the actual car, then go back inside and have at least one copy made. Use the copy, and every once in a while, use it on the door–it’s good exercise :>

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